Saturday, March 02, 2013

Wallflower

“I have to be alone very often. I'd be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That's how I refuel."

― Audrey Hepburn: Many-Sided Charmer, LIFE Magazine, December 7, 1953)

This quote literally describes me. I have come to realize that as I grow up, I tend to prefer investing my time in being alone at home. I can stay inside for a long period of time without getting a dying urge of meeting up with people. Whenever I'm alone in at home, I could sense myself feeling content and collected and greatly energized. 

I could definitely tell you how much of a stay-home person I am. For instance, if I had to choose between watching a new movie in the cinema with my friends or watching it alone at home, I'd usually choose the latter (unless I'm dying to see my friends' reactions :p). If I had to choose between attending a grand party with lots of scrumptious Malaysian cuisines or staying at home eating whatever's left in my pantry, I'd still choose the latter. I assure you, I'm not being lazy (in spite of often simply telling my housemate that I "malas keluar"), I just prefer staying at home just a little bit too much. 

I know that deep down inside of me, on a slightly pessimistic note, I became like that because at one significant length of time, it appeared to me as if I was frequently bombarded with expectations. It was somewhat painfully overwhelming for me. I could say that academically, I know that everybody is dealing with some degree of expectation so I don't think it's necessary for me to elaborate on that. However, I believe that when it comes to socializing, I'm rather disappointing. In this case, being a homebody does not help. 

Honestly, I'm not a big fan of huge gatherings and over here in Cork, such gatherings are common. Don't get me wrong, the gatherings here are really splendid and praise-worthy, but I'm not the type of person who fancies attending gatherings anywhere; be it kenduri or jamuan. I am rarely hyped about social events. I think I got this trait from my mum :p If I were to attend one of the gatherings, I'd often find myself plunging into a state of awkwardness, unless I know everyone in that gathering truly personally. Due to this, I often become unreasonably self-conscious. I would think of what people would think of me if I don't talk to them. I would think of what I would do if I don't talk to them or if I didn't attend. I would think of what they have always thought of me. Too many what ifs.   

I expressed my concerns to one of my closest friends and she simply advised me not to think about this whole thing too much. She said that she would always do what she wanted and she wouldn't care about what people might think. The thing is, I'm one of those people who annoyingly cares way too much about what people think of me. I don't want people to dislike me, but I don't want to be too cautious at the same time. I have always been amazed by people who don't give tinge of concern about what people would think of them. When they tweet , they could to tweet whatever that is on their minds without much filtering needed while I would be staring at the tweet compose box for ten minutes before I come up with my serious tweet. When they speak in a serious setting, they could speak eloquently and spontaneously while I would turn blank in a matter of seconds. And when they make friends, they make lots of em in no time, while I increasingly become dependent on 9gag. 

I have tried to be out-going with people that I'm not really close with but frankly speaking, I often end up worrying too much in the end. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy talking to people at all, but most of the time, I would end up over-thinking about what I said and regretting them, even if they were insignificant things. Due to this, at one point, I pretty much had my self-esteem heading rock bottom because I felt like I couldn't make it up to par with them. To me, this world felt as though it was made for bright bold people. I didn't feel like there was much room for people like me. 

Back to Audrey Hepburn's quote, it is clear that she is an introvert, just like I am. The best thing about her is, even though she's an introvert, she's well respected for her class, beauty and personality. Then I discovered that many famous people in our history where introverts; namely, Johnny Depp (I'm seriously not kidding here), Mahatma Gandhi (I didn't expect this cause he was a politician right?) and J.K. Rowling (I am not "jk"! :p). Knowing this truly enlightened me. These are amazing, amazing people. They were introverts but they were appreciated and respected. 

Eventually, I began to realize that being an introvert or an extrovert shouldn't be a problem for anyone. Everybody should try to draw out their potentials and use them to overcome their weaknesses. My weakness may be at socializing, but I probably have ten shocking abilities that I have yet to discover. If you have thoughts like I did and if you have ever felt like you're not worthy of anything, think again. Allah created every individual unique and definitely worth it.

But then of course, things are always easier said than done. Currently I feel more confident with myself but I'm still working on not thinking too much about what people think of me. I guess I had that thought for too long that it became a habit. It would be amazing if I could worry about what Allah would think of me rather than what people would. That's a long way to go and I have many things to mend, but that's achievable too. I just have to focus on the right things.

Anyway, before I end this, I suggest you take a look at this website (Humanmetrics) if you're interested in knowing your personality type based on C.Jung and I.Briggs type theory. It's a reliable personality test and based on that test, I was classified as an INFP. I did other similar personality tests and I got the exact same results :) Go ahead an give it a go :)